It's been so long since I have blogged. When Nick died all I could do was write....I had so many emotions and so many things to say that writing was my safest outlet. But somewhere along the line I slowed down. I began to write privately so as to not have to filter things for fear of what other people may think when they had read my deepest feelings. I've grown so much and in this growth I have rid myself of all filters. I see no need to second guess my emotions no matter how intense or far off they may appear to others. I have learned that just because my thoughts and feelings are not understood, well....that does not mean they are any less justified. They do not have to make sense to everyone else to make them "real".
Today I found myself overcome with a steady flow of schizophrenic emotions....one emotion gave birth to another...and another ....each emotion had its own personality...and each emotion became like the branches of a tree...reaching out and just sprouting continuous growth within itself. It was a beautiful arrangement of emotions blooming and blooming to the fullest potential....though when I was in the depths of it...it felt so very ugly and heavy....weighing me down like I had the weight of hundred men on my chest.
Last week I watched Nick's brother get married. His girlfriend and him have basically grown up together...experienced love....pain.....gain...and losses. And like the happiest of Shakespeare's stories....they managed to persevere through the worst of the obstacles that life threw their way. It was beautiful...and as trite as it may sound...it was romantic.
As I spent that evening with people who had become my family....next to a new love....and my beautiful child by my side....I felt hopeful. I was so thankful that through my tears I could still see the beauty in a bittersweet setting. I knew that Nick was by his brother's side cracking jokes and being his witty and charming self....all the while I pictured his invisible yet prominent presence nodding his head at me in a way that said, " I am happy for you....truly."
I couldn't for the life of me figure out what triggered the dam to break today....the one that held back my emotions...the emotions I tend to try to deal with one at a time on MY terms. But they flooded forth....and as hard as I fought....I had to succumb to them and just ride the wave.
One of my closest friends had a death in her family. But it wasn't a relatively easy death....not that any are...but this death was untimely and no matter how much I search my soul....for the life of me I can not make sense out of the death of an infant. A tiny...delicate child. One who had not even mastered the art of smiling let alone speaking. And I must agree with my friend when she said, " why would God even allow her to be born if her life was going to be so short?" I wont even pretend to know the answer to that.
This friend...brought to me through my own tragedy....called me in tears. If you knew me...if you knew her....well...I am the one who cries....I am the one who's dominant emotion is sadness. I am not saying that all I am capable of feeling is sadness....I am just saying that though I feel all emotions...sadness...well....it's a beast. Each emotion I feel is almost certain to bring about a spill of tears. My friend...she is the strong one. Today when I heard the tears through the phone....I did not just empathize with her...I TRULY felt her pain. I had never known her to crumble....and seeing her do so....made me crumble almost instantly. I didn't want her to be like me....I didn't want her to know pain so vividly. But the truth is....she already knew it. I had always been so blinded by my own pain...that selfishly I could not always see hers. And I vowed silently to change that.
Every time that death rears its ugly head in my life...even in a very indirect way...I am taken back to my own personal experiences. I then will begin to feel my losses all over again. The loss of my dad....and the loss of Nick. I will immediately be taken back to how I first felt....because I am instantly empathizing with the person who is actually directly affected by death....and I am horribly aware of what emotions they may be feeling and the path they will then be timidly taking.
Empathy. Its a bitch of a feeling. I am not claiming to be righteous in any way. But I am almost incapable of witnessing others pain and heartache without it affecting my life.
I was down for the day. I was imagining what my dear friend was feeling and crying for her....which then led me to memories of what I felt 2 years ago...and it became a viscous cycle. One memory led to another to another to another. It was a battle I was not equipped to win. I threw up my white flag and surrendered to a day I lost to emotion. I rode the waves high and low....and when all was said and done....I was brought back to my original self. I survived.
It's weird....the union of two souls one week....the death of a child the next....and who knows what tomorrow will bring? But the truth is, we do go on...don't we? I recall a time I didn't think it would ever get better....and it's not that it does TRULY get better....it's just that you come to realize that so many people need you....and you go on for them. And you still have stories to tell....laughter to hear....tears to dry and waves to ride.....no matter how high or how low they may take you.....
